I joined facebook last night.  I have been so reluctant.  It just seems like it would be a lot of work keeping it updated.  Not so.  It has been fun seeing how people connect.  Wow it has been fun.  If you have never done it I encourage you to do so.  It’s that idea of six degrees of seperation.  Or that famous philosophy of spheres.  The guys that thought that up must be brilliant:)

Saw two quotes today…

Nobody gets to live life backward.  Look ahead, that is where your future lies-Ann Landers

Meaning has to do with human relationships and our contribution to progressive purpose and growth in understanding and responsibility.  Helping make the world a better place for us all through our work birngs meaning to it-Dave Smith

I think the light bulb is on.   It is growing bright.   Now it’s just learning how to use it it properly.

The light bulb.  I think it’s a high wattage one.  Or maybe a halogen.  I really get it.  I haven’t always.  Now it’s transfering the getting it to feeling it.  Not having to tell myself that yes I am indeed thinking wrongly.

Those thoughts of doubt were there.  However, I acted on what I felt and what I wanted to do. 

It was that action that I so wanted to do this year.  I need to keep doing that.  Go with it.

Sometimes you really notice change.

The other day when I visited wisdom(see previous post) I was struck by many thoughts and emotions. I wish I could have captured all of them. This still sticks with me though.

Free time usually consisted of
Making your own entertainment. It was beautiful and I made the best of it with hiking and skiing. Exploring new places. With that you are lest with your own thoughts. I don’t know how to describe it but basically you better enjoy your own company.

There is the term best friend. I don’t know if there is such a thing. I now realize that people all bring different things into our lives.

I am fortunate to have some very close friends and especially lucky to have a couple that can best be described as very special. Not the short bus
Type of special. And I mean mo offense by that comment because I should have a seat on there.

If I was forced to say who my best friend is I would have to say myself. I can totally hang with myself. As the summer came to a clos my boss offered me a permanent position. It would have been a great opportunity. However, I didn’t want to live in such isolation. I wanted to be around people. I love being around people.

I know the above are opposites. I think the point that strikes me is that you must enjoy yourself I’m order to have good relationships with others.

I’m at a really good point. I just feel the change I’m me. I’ve lived it. A step that has taken me to a new place. Not that it was bad before. Just some big realizations.

I know that many peoe make resolutions for the new year. Last year it was to lose weight and become healthier.

This year it is to let my actions speak for themselves.

I also enter the year with such a positive outlook. There are so many possibilities. Wonderful possibilities. I know there will be roadbumps. Nor will I be perfect. However I know I can tackle anything that may come my way.

It trully is going to be the best year yet. At least until the next year rolls around. I wish you all the best this year.

Back I’m 1998 I worked as a national park ranger at Big Hole National Battlefield. It is located near the town of Wisdom Montana which had a sprawling population of about 200.

I decided it would be neat to go back and visit since I was passing through montana to northern Idaho. After more than 10 years little had changed. If it wasn’t for a new video and a small display case It would have been as I left it.

All the people that had been there have since moved on. I’m struck by how much my life has changed since then. Ten years of experiences and milestones. It is neat to go back to that time and see how much has changed for me even though the park seems stuck in time. I’m happy where I’m at.

That summer will always be a part of me. It was very isolated. It was a summer of hiking by myself since our schedules didn’t allow us to have free time together. I would sometimes take a 24 mile bike trip to the post office in town just for something to do. Definetly lots of time to think and reflect. Really a time to get to know yourself.

Today my mind went to the idea of best friends. Most likely my next entry.

Just one of those random things that make you wonder.

I was driving along I-90 in western Montana. It had been a day of driving on slick roads and at one point making my way through a blizzard.

Ahead of me I saw two cars driving and saw one serve. The first thing that lept to mind was they lost traction. Then the vehicles started weaving back and forth. Something didn’t seem right. They eventually stopped right on the freeway blocking the right lane.

I slowed as it was slick and as I looked over a guy was actually standing next to the car. His upper body was in the car and he was holding the driver. Another guy was jumping out of the other vehichle.

Okay definitely something isn’t right. I highly doubt that they were long lost pals hugging right there.

It was straight to 911 and the next mile marker so I could give the local. I then drove for a bit until I could cross over to the other side of the freeway to head back.

Once I got back there were three cop cars there. Wonder if I should have just stopped at the very start of it all. I guess the outcome was the best with the police being there so it’s a mute point.

Maybe the police knew the other guys and were just having a mini reunion?

Okay gift exchange time.  One of those games where you bring one gift and you play some type of game to switch the gifts.  I decided to go classy this time:)      

This is a swabi.  Long ago, I was waiting for my parents to pick me up for Christmas break  when I was in college and for some reason the swabi was born.  No there were no mind altering substances involved.  My friends and I then created all kinds of story.  The swabi legend has even gone on to be known in other countries.

So it was time to open the gift.  The guy that opened it “appreciated” it.  I simply said “It’s a first edition”.  Even though it was a priceless gift there was more.   There was a “visa gift card” hidden below.  I hand hand created a visa gift card and attached ten dollars on the bottom.  It even included personalized Christmas drawings*  Can something become even more priceless?  Oh and throw in the presentation of a nice metal box lined with pink tissue paper. 

About this time your probably thinking I need to get this guy to my Christmas party.  He has such thoughtful and wonderful gifts:) 

The recipient of my gift thought it was great.  Like who wouldn’t?  His gift was a Jesus dashboard figurine complete with lotion to get you ready for your Sunday’s best.   He definitely appreciates the finer things in life also.  It was a great laugh. 

It was just a great night on all accounts.   It’s great to have wonderful friends.  Especially ones with great senses of humor!

* No I’m not an artist.  Quite the opposite.  One of my middle school students once secretly snuck into the teachers room and put a business card for art lessons in my box.   That was being kind.

Sometimes I struggle to describe what I want to say.   Maybe sometimes it just needs to be simple.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough- Frank Crane

Were never so vulnerable than when we trust somone- but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. -Walter Anderson.

You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible-Anton Checkhov

I have trust issues.   At times in my life I have opened myself up to others.  Trusted them with who I am.  The results have sometimes been very painful.   Somewhere along the way I think I just stopped trusting.  Trusting myself and trusting others.

I think I need to open myself up to trusting again.  Allow it to be possible.  Yes, there will sometimes be pain by making that choice.   However the pain of not trusting anyone could be much more significant.   Much more damaging.

Okay I need to stop and pause.  I have recently opened up myself  to others.  Extended my trust.  And in some cases they have extended their trust to me.   I have some pretty terrific people in my life.

The Coming Month Shall Bring Winds of Change In Your Life

The fortune has come true.  I got it in November.   The last month I’ve learned so much.   Changes that will have a positive impact on my life.  Possibly huge changes. 

I had a post from November that was a work in progress.  I got on tonight to finish it and it just wasn’t happening.  Finally realized I needed to start fresh.  My mind kept coming back to what I’ve learned through this experience and not what it was.

To summarize what I was writing.    After a year of no major depression my life spiraled into a deep depression.   So many negative things came out of that.   I couldn’t find the words to describe it.  I kept coming back to what I have learned.   Two words: share and self-esteem. 

Share:

I have always tried to deal with my depression and insecurities on my own.  The problem is that it impacts friendships and relationships around me.  It makes me more distant.  I get lonely and it causes the depression to grow.  They begin to feed on each other.    

It was ruining one of my close friendships.  Thanks Snow for pointing out that I needed to share that I was depressed and insecure.  I really believe that without doing that it would have ruined the friendship.   Instead the friend was understanding and said share in the future.  It was an experience that told me that it is better to share.  

Self-esteem:

This is the bigger issue.  And the root of everything.  I think all the depression ultimately comes down to that at certain times my self-esteem disappears.  I have no reason why it happens.  It is so irrational if I was to look at it on most days.  Sometimes it happens though. 

Here is the irrational part.  I should have really good self-esteem.  I am a really great person.  And I’m not being cocky.  I have a feeling most people that know me would say I’m quite the opposite.   

 I just had a really good insight.  I have gone through my life always looking at what I wasn’t instead of what I am.   Or comparing myself to others saying I lack that.  When in reality I should focus on the great qualities that I have.   I’m always telling my students that we all have our different strengths and weaknesses.  Maybe it’s time that I start listening to myself. 

I cry sometimes.  I hate it because it makes me appear weak.   Most men don’t do that. That is an example of something that contributes to my lack of self-esteem.   Yes I am sensitive.  I feel emotions really strongly and am very expressive.  I focus on that instead of seeing the greater part of me. 

The sensitivity though is an attribute.  It’s what makes me a great teacher.   I am also someone that can really be there for people.  It is one of my great strengths.   I have great strength in helping others.  Even if my world has crashed with depression, a point where indeed I may be crying,  I can put that aside and be there for someone or help out.  that isn’t weakness.  That is a strength.

So it’s about seeing the positives instead of the negatives.   Seeing all the great things in myself.  Realizing that I have many wonderful qualities.

It’s not all going to change overnight.  However I have started seeing how wrong my thinking has been.   Once you know what is wrong then you can start changing it.  I can start living differently.   

 Oh and in the spirit of sharing.  My biggest fear of writing about this stuff is that I meet someone.  A potential girlfriend.   They see something like this and then they don’t give me a chance.  You will be missing out if you do.  Being caring is only one of my great qualities. Besides the tears are probably beneficial to the eyes.  A little bit of cleaning:)

It feels like there is indeed a shift.   I’ve learned.

Yes I am a dork.

I was writing Christmas cards to my students at Starbucks.   A bit after I got there a girl showed up and sat a few tables over.  I noticed that she was writing Christmas cards.  And yes she was cute.  So I used my suave skills and walked over and talked to her.  Okay that is what I should have done.  Just had the thought that maybe if I used that shampoo maybe some suave skills will sink in.

So here is what really happens.   Much more entertaining. 

I get done with my cards.  I have extra cards sitting there.  I’m like I should give her a Christmas card.  So yeah I wrote it up.  Wished her a Merry Christmas.  Shared a little about me.  And left my phone number.  Said we could meet up for coffee.  Sprinkled some  humor in there.

Wait gotta go the phone is ringing.  Not one of my contacts so it is probably her.   I’m suprised it took her so long.

Okay no it wasn’t ringing.  Yes I know the probability of getting a call is very very low.  If I do then she has a great sense of humor.  A plus in her category.  I’m sure got a great laugh and will have a story for friends.  Plus I shared a little Holiday cheer.  Gave her my four extra stamps.  I had a great laugh also.

You would think that someone that wears an elf costume all day or gives a card to a complete stranger wouldn’t be shy.  Yeah should have just talked to her.  Hard to get over the shy thing. 

Merry Christmas

 Update:

Okay point to her.  She has a sense of humor.  She called.  Says she is shy, but wants to meet up.  I’m going to give her a ring when she gets back in town. 

It was about a year ago that I joined the YMCA.  I had come to a point where I decided I needed to deal with my weight.   It wasn’t that I wasn’t active.  I have always done stuff.  Yet, I realized that it was having an impact on those things.  I also had high blood pressure.  Throw a fatty liver in there right before that. 

So I made a commitment.  I went to the Y at least a minimum of three days.  It was more like 4 or 5 days a week.  And I began to watch what I eat.  I still eat like crap, but in lesser amounts. 

A year ago I wanted to go from 230 and be at 200 by this New Years.  200 has come and gone.  I look back on my blog and I see that I was at 198 at the start of September.  At some point my goal had changed to 190.  Subsequently it went to 180. 

I currently sit at 187.  I won’t meet the 180.  Yet I far surpassed my other expecations.  Plus I’ve started working on weights to fix my upper body so that probably makes a difference.  I’ve accomplished a lot in a year through hard work and dedication. 

So unless I binge on twinkies for the next few days I have done great.  Really Great.