Farewell.

I just watched the series finale of the tv show Nip/Tuck. It causes a touch of sadness and triggers those thoughts that make you ponder. Why? Maybe it’s because it has been something that has been with you for so long. You see how much the characters have changed and not changed. You see the events of their lives. Your witness to it. Should that have an impact on us since it’s fiction and a tv show? Probably not.

Maybe it should. Even though it is something of inconsequence it has been a part of your life. You are saying farewell to something that has been there. Can I connect events in my life to it. Not really with the exception of starting it. My ex-wife had the dvd set for season one and got me hooked. That’s about all I can remember on how it has connected to my life. That seems like a lifetime ago. And it’s not about saying goodbye to that. It’s simply saying goodbye to just a little inconsequential piece of my life.

Just moved me to write. Maybe it stikes a bigger feeling. I think it’s the feeling that all things must come to an end at some point……

That can be good and that can be bad depending on what it is.

Float Like A Feather- A line from the song Creep by Radiohead. No I’m not a creep nor do the lyrics fit my life. I just love that line. I think that lyric sometimes captures how I feel. A lightness, a peacefulness. The extreme opposite of the songs meaning.

So Friday was an Alfredo outing for the school assembly. The theme was showcasing teamwork and I tried to do things all by myself. I attempted to showcase my ability to play hockey by myself and also became entangled in one of those parachutes they use for P.E. It was all met with a lot of laughs.

At the start the counselor and Alfredo were introduced. She walked into the gym and started doing stuff and I was waiting outside. As I waited, I could hear kids calling out asking where Alfredo was. Most of the kids know it’s me. They see me and they say your Alfredo. I play all dumb about it. Yes not much of a stretch:) The counselor did have a 4th grade student come up to her and ask where Alfredo went to school. The girl thought that he went to school with her brother.

It’s been nearly a month since writing. Life does feel like it is floating like a feather right now. It is good. Now it’s time for me to write an email. I’ve put it off because I don’t know what the answer will be. I think I already know and will be disappointed so maybe that is why I have put it off. It’s been nice thinking that the response might be the exact opposite and without an answer that is still a possibility. I think it’s a good sign though that I’m carrying through. I’m making life instead of letting it shape me. It’s been a lot of creating instead of reacting to life. Gotta take the whole picture in.

Float Like a Feather

Kid’s are honest. I mean that when they have opinions on something. They haven’t learned those social filters. Or maybe it’s when you have 29 students something is going to come out.

I have a tendency to wear clothes to death and then beyond. They get to a stage where they should be simply thrown out, but I try to squeeze more use into them. I think it’s mainly a money factor except for a few things that I really like and I know I will miss. I am terrified of losing my stocking cap. Love this thing! So i have a couple of dress pants where the bottoms are shredded. No attachment other than it costs money to replace. I tried trimming them up once, but once again they got to a scary state.

One of the kids pointed out yesterday that the bottom’s had lots of tattered fabric hanging out below. Then it was pointed out that my shoes were falling apart. They are correct. Last night I went to look for some new shoes. Sometimes we just need a little push. I didn’t find what I wanted, but I did pick up some pants. I don’t know why some of the stuff pops into my brain but it does. I think it’s the hidden genius in there:) The genius was put into action today.

I was sitting on my director’s chair. I was talking to the kids about reminders, when I looked down and was like these pants are shredded like the others. I then continued to talk and after a few minutes asked for some scissors. I grabbed them and while talking started cutting the bottom of the one leg of the pants off at the ankle.

One girls eyes nearly popped out. And that wasn’t an exaggeration. The room errupted into noise and commotion. Once that was accomplished I cut the other one up by the middle calf. The thing is we can’t wear shorts at school, but capri’s are allowed as long as they reach the calf. I am tempted once to wear capri’s just so I can be close to shorts. I was all discussing this with the kids and in the middle I had one girl ask what my size was. She then announced she was going to buy me some pants. The lengths were horribly off and in their opinion they had gotten worse than before. We wallked off to music with me strutting along in my new capri’s.

I had new pants in the closet. It was instantly realized that I had changed when they got back because they were looking right away. I then launched into my lesson that they didn’t make fun of me because of my clothes. They had pointed it out in a nice way. It gave me a push to go and fix it and my feelings weren’t hurt. I knew they cared. So when I push them in things like reading it is because I care and know what they needed to do.

A teacher was in talking to me and we were discussing it. I was sharing with her the lesson that I had shared. One of the girls said I learned not to let Mr. Fischer cut your pants because he can’t do it evenly. Guess the lesson didn’tgo as planned:)

The music teacher said she had to spend the start of class discussing it because the kids were so excited by the whole thing. She shared with the kids that I needed to get a girlfriend. Ironic because this is the first year in 9 years of teaching that havng a girlfriend/princess/wife hasn’t been a topic of discussion.

She also heard that they were regulation capris.

Yes in class today I made regulation capris.

So I watched Marley and me this weekend. I don’t know why I had never seen it before. Had seen previews of it before and it seemed like it might be a hollow comedy. hmmm hollow comedy? I guess something with a few funny moments, but not many and no substance. Then I heard it was good, but kind of heavy. It was great. The way he describes Marley in the end is so descriptive of the place that dogs take in our lives. Very special. Yeah Kate is missed, but the times are special and filled with laughter and love. Just seemed like she should have had three more years. Three years? Just feels like it.

Somehow I have a feeling that it still has a story that hasn’t been written in regards to my life.

I wrote the above over a year ago. It really did speak to me at the time. Maybe it still holds true in the way I was thinking. I just didn’t realize that the sentiment would already come true, but in a completely different way…twice. Life has this funny way of throwing things at us.

January comes to an end. In the past New Years eve has always been this time when I look forward to the wonderful possibilities of the upcoming year. This year it wasn’t that way. I entered it with unremarkable expectations.

It has already been a remarkable month.

I want to write, but I can’t.

So I write this instead….

I was giving the SAT this saturday. Once again I was in a history class where I had given the test before. I was surrounded by quotes, pictures, and events. The past. While sitting there and checking id’s when the kids showed up my mind went to the past.

I was standing in the cafeteria after dropping off the students at lunch. Suddenly there was a commotion and I saw a kid take his tray and throw it. Then he ran. I ran. He was a fast little guy. I would find him hiding under desks in the classroom. It was the first time I had been left with the kids. I was a student teacher and the lead teacher had left the building. The kid was in my class.

That boy was doing the right thing. He was doing what he had been told in the past. Yet he wasn’t listened too when he tried to explain. It became too much. He wasn’t an ordinary boy, but are any of the kids really ordinary? Rhetorical question. The boy had many things including voices that talked to him. I can’t remember his official diagnoses, but it was something. In that moment we would talk under the desks. It would be tears and the flowing of the words. Where the duty wouldn’t listen to him I listened.

When I was student teaching the kids invited me to their sporting games. It’s amazing how you become a part of kids lives when you teach. Several were playing in a soccer championship and it turned out that the boy was in it. Afterwards, he would ask his coach if he could get a ride home from me. The scary thing is that the coach let him just based on the fact that the kid said I was his teacher. Not that I’m a bad person, but the guy didn’t even know me. And I guess that speaks to the situation. He had no one there for him.

I would take him home. His mom was working. His Grandma was having a garage sale so that they could earn some money. They needed money. I remember growing up and going for ice cream after soccer games. He had just won the championship. There was nothing like that for him. No celebrations. It was a family struggling to survive where they couldn’t even be at his game. Grandma let me take him out to celebrate. He chose Burger King.

He walked around that restaurant showing everyone in the place his medal. I ate lunch with a champion.

I so hope you are well.

I saw these quotes recently and really like…

“It is more important to know the person who has the disease than the disease the person has.” -Hippocrates

“Never look down upon someone unless your are helping them up”- I’m not sure who wrote that last one.

I love to write and it brings me clarity, laughs, happiness, and understanding just to name a few things. Sometimes it is a challenge. Like deciding how to write something a certain way or not write something. Sometimes it leads to discovery.

I saw a puppy wandering along a yard yesterday. It made me think of the time I didn’t pick Kate. I chose a wonderful dog. It was my dog I thought. All the siblings were all cute as they stumbled around each other. My parents and I decided to play with some of the other ones before we left. I set my puppy down and picked up one of her siblings. The new dog just nuzzled into me. I didn’t pick Kate. In that moment we chose each other. I found my little Kate.

I realized while writing this that this story is similar to the house buying story.

The discovery is that we think we know something, but we really don’t. And that speaks to many aspects of my life.

A great quote I heard today. Very meaningful at this point in my life.

Do not believe in something simply because you have heard it

Discover the Truth

Above are the before pictures.
I didn’t want to buy my house at first. I walked in and hated it. Walked out knowing it wasn’t for me….

I had just walked through the exact floor plan a few minutes before. The same house as mine but it had been completely remodeled and updated. New carpet, freshly painted, new doors, remodeled kitchen complete with new cabinets, and extra bathroom and master bedroom. It was the house I wanted. Ultimately I wouldn’t be able to buy that house. I really felt like I got my second choice. The excitement of getting my house was always tainted a bit by the fact that it wasn’t the other house.

The second choice had none of the things above. The thing is I couldn’t imagine living in the other house now. I’m glad that I didn’t get it. The house I got was the one meant for me. The other one didn’t have the need for changes. It would currenlty look the same as the day I walked through it. My house has changed dramatically. It has personality.

My house has friends and family. They have all helped transform my house.

They are a part of my house.

Here are some after pictures. Still need to put some doors on.

My life changed at 1:30 today. It was an ordinary day.

There was a moment in my life where two different and drastically different paths lay ahead of me. The choice was completely out of my hands. That choice was held by someone else.

This is the path that I ended up on. Can I say that this path is better? No because I don’t know where the other one would have led. The other one definitely would have been unpleasant at the start. I might have overcome it and who knows what that might have meant.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have ended up teaching. I wouldn’t have taken the “risks” I would have had to take to get here. And if I would have taken the leap my life path would have beeen in someones hands. It would have meant a second chance. That would have been out of my hands.

The decision made was beneficial to me. It may have simply came to the fact that the person of power was the friend of my dad. More importantly maybe it was how I had lived my life. That was told to me so it did factor.

Two years ago I was standing in a line at blockbuster. If anyone in the distant future reads it we used to get videos from stores:). A “kid” started gushing on how without me he wouldn’t have made it through middle school and high school math. That year of sixth grade I spent a few days after school helping a couple of my students. Simply my time. Was I paid anything. I can’t count the wealth gained. It was a five minute conversation.

That was an unordinary day. Today was an ordinary day. Two drastically different paths were not present.

And it happened at 1:30.

I wrote a sentence on the whiteboard during class today. It started with “How will you…”.

Over Christmas my niece and nephew were swinging. I was telling my sister how in elementary school my friend had his ear nearly torn off because it hit the swing next to his. And no I wasn’t trying to freak her out. yes, I promise. Just one of those childhood memories that jumps out at you. The friend and I grew up together. Then in 8th grade his family moved and we hadn’t talked since. Last night I got an email from him. One of those unexpected pleasant surprises.

I shared with him that I had just been talking to my sister about the ear story. He remarked that it’s better to be remembered for something rather than nothing at all.

Yes I remember the ear plus a flood of childhood memories. I remember being in a bus line and being picked on by someone. Him sticking up for me. I remember that. Just like the friend that lived between us gave the kid a bloody nose in kindergarten because the kid took some of my blocks. I grew up with friends that stood up for me.

The thing is I couldn’t stand up for myself back then. It would lead to self-esteem issues for years. Yet there was something I really learned through those experiences. It is nice when you have people around that support you.

I was driving to work today thinking about that bus line and memories.

At the start of the day I wrote a sentence on the board. I then launched into the story of how I heard from a friend and how I could remember the ear and that bus line. It was over sixteen years ago and I still remember that.

Earlier in the week I had a girl come into class who was concerned about a kid at recess. The kid was just hanging out on the wall all sad so she asked him what was wrong. He didn’t have any friends to play with. She tried to help him and was unsuccessful so she came up with the idea that the counselor might have an idea to help him.

I told her story to the kids today and the kind of positive impact she is having on people. She is leaving an impression on people. I told her that I will remember her as such a caring individual. She just beamed the whole time.

I wouldn’t have done that little “lesson” if it wouldn’t have been for the things that have shaped me. Also if it wouldn’t have been for the people that have been in my life. I can only say that our little class discussion was huge for that girl. Yet, as I write I’m wondering if it wasn’t even huger for me.

How will you be remembered?

My sister once gave me a children’s book. It was about a boy that
wasn’t afraid of all the different kinds of monsters under his bed.
Page by page he was cool and collected. On the last page he freaked
out. What was under the bed….

It is weird how life can trigger little memories of things like
thinking about that book.

So my friend informed me that according to facebook we need to
reconnect. Kind of funny because we work together so usually we see
each other a minimum of 5 days a week. I guess the real world isn’t
enough.

I was approached by a teacher who I work with today. She told me she had a question for me and then let me know it was embarrassing. So when it came down to it the question was whether or not I am open to a blind date and if I was single. I’ve had this happen numerous times where people get all flustered when it comes to that topic and asking if I would want to meet someone. No need to…

So what was under the bed? Yep it was a girl. No I’m not afraid of girls:)