Back I’m 1998 I worked as a national park ranger at Big Hole National Battlefield. It is located near the town of Wisdom Montana which had a sprawling population of about 200.

I decided it would be neat to go back and visit since I was passing through montana to northern Idaho. After more than 10 years little had changed. If it wasn’t for a new video and a small display case It would have been as I left it.

All the people that had been there have since moved on. I’m struck by how much my life has changed since then. Ten years of experiences and milestones. It is neat to go back to that time and see how much has changed for me even though the park seems stuck in time. I’m happy where I’m at.

That summer will always be a part of me. It was very isolated. It was a summer of hiking by myself since our schedules didn’t allow us to have free time together. I would sometimes take a 24 mile bike trip to the post office in town just for something to do. Definetly lots of time to think and reflect. Really a time to get to know yourself.

Today my mind went to the idea of best friends. Most likely my next entry.

Just one of those random things that make you wonder.

I was driving along I-90 in western Montana. It had been a day of driving on slick roads and at one point making my way through a blizzard.

Ahead of me I saw two cars driving and saw one serve. The first thing that lept to mind was they lost traction. Then the vehicles started weaving back and forth. Something didn’t seem right. They eventually stopped right on the freeway blocking the right lane.

I slowed as it was slick and as I looked over a guy was actually standing next to the car. His upper body was in the car and he was holding the driver. Another guy was jumping out of the other vehichle.

Okay definitely something isn’t right. I highly doubt that they were long lost pals hugging right there.

It was straight to 911 and the next mile marker so I could give the local. I then drove for a bit until I could cross over to the other side of the freeway to head back.

Once I got back there were three cop cars there. Wonder if I should have just stopped at the very start of it all. I guess the outcome was the best with the police being there so it’s a mute point.

Maybe the police knew the other guys and were just having a mini reunion?

Okay gift exchange time.  One of those games where you bring one gift and you play some type of game to switch the gifts.  I decided to go classy this time:)      

This is a swabi.  Long ago, I was waiting for my parents to pick me up for Christmas break  when I was in college and for some reason the swabi was born.  No there were no mind altering substances involved.  My friends and I then created all kinds of story.  The swabi legend has even gone on to be known in other countries.

So it was time to open the gift.  The guy that opened it “appreciated” it.  I simply said “It’s a first edition”.  Even though it was a priceless gift there was more.   There was a “visa gift card” hidden below.  I hand hand created a visa gift card and attached ten dollars on the bottom.  It even included personalized Christmas drawings*  Can something become even more priceless?  Oh and throw in the presentation of a nice metal box lined with pink tissue paper. 

About this time your probably thinking I need to get this guy to my Christmas party.  He has such thoughtful and wonderful gifts:) 

The recipient of my gift thought it was great.  Like who wouldn’t?  His gift was a Jesus dashboard figurine complete with lotion to get you ready for your Sunday’s best.   He definitely appreciates the finer things in life also.  It was a great laugh. 

It was just a great night on all accounts.   It’s great to have wonderful friends.  Especially ones with great senses of humor!

* No I’m not an artist.  Quite the opposite.  One of my middle school students once secretly snuck into the teachers room and put a business card for art lessons in my box.   That was being kind.

Sometimes I struggle to describe what I want to say.   Maybe sometimes it just needs to be simple.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough- Frank Crane

Were never so vulnerable than when we trust somone- but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy. -Walter Anderson.

You must trust and believe in people or life becomes impossible-Anton Checkhov

I have trust issues.   At times in my life I have opened myself up to others.  Trusted them with who I am.  The results have sometimes been very painful.   Somewhere along the way I think I just stopped trusting.  Trusting myself and trusting others.

I think I need to open myself up to trusting again.  Allow it to be possible.  Yes, there will sometimes be pain by making that choice.   However the pain of not trusting anyone could be much more significant.   Much more damaging.

Okay I need to stop and pause.  I have recently opened up myself  to others.  Extended my trust.  And in some cases they have extended their trust to me.   I have some pretty terrific people in my life.

The Coming Month Shall Bring Winds of Change In Your Life

The fortune has come true.  I got it in November.   The last month I’ve learned so much.   Changes that will have a positive impact on my life.  Possibly huge changes. 

I had a post from November that was a work in progress.  I got on tonight to finish it and it just wasn’t happening.  Finally realized I needed to start fresh.  My mind kept coming back to what I’ve learned through this experience and not what it was.

To summarize what I was writing.    After a year of no major depression my life spiraled into a deep depression.   So many negative things came out of that.   I couldn’t find the words to describe it.  I kept coming back to what I have learned.   Two words: share and self-esteem. 

Share:

I have always tried to deal with my depression and insecurities on my own.  The problem is that it impacts friendships and relationships around me.  It makes me more distant.  I get lonely and it causes the depression to grow.  They begin to feed on each other.    

It was ruining one of my close friendships.  Thanks Snow for pointing out that I needed to share that I was depressed and insecure.  I really believe that without doing that it would have ruined the friendship.   Instead the friend was understanding and said share in the future.  It was an experience that told me that it is better to share.  

Self-esteem:

This is the bigger issue.  And the root of everything.  I think all the depression ultimately comes down to that at certain times my self-esteem disappears.  I have no reason why it happens.  It is so irrational if I was to look at it on most days.  Sometimes it happens though. 

Here is the irrational part.  I should have really good self-esteem.  I am a really great person.  And I’m not being cocky.  I have a feeling most people that know me would say I’m quite the opposite.   

 I just had a really good insight.  I have gone through my life always looking at what I wasn’t instead of what I am.   Or comparing myself to others saying I lack that.  When in reality I should focus on the great qualities that I have.   I’m always telling my students that we all have our different strengths and weaknesses.  Maybe it’s time that I start listening to myself. 

I cry sometimes.  I hate it because it makes me appear weak.   Most men don’t do that. That is an example of something that contributes to my lack of self-esteem.   Yes I am sensitive.  I feel emotions really strongly and am very expressive.  I focus on that instead of seeing the greater part of me. 

The sensitivity though is an attribute.  It’s what makes me a great teacher.   I am also someone that can really be there for people.  It is one of my great strengths.   I have great strength in helping others.  Even if my world has crashed with depression, a point where indeed I may be crying,  I can put that aside and be there for someone or help out.  that isn’t weakness.  That is a strength.

So it’s about seeing the positives instead of the negatives.   Seeing all the great things in myself.  Realizing that I have many wonderful qualities.

It’s not all going to change overnight.  However I have started seeing how wrong my thinking has been.   Once you know what is wrong then you can start changing it.  I can start living differently.   

 Oh and in the spirit of sharing.  My biggest fear of writing about this stuff is that I meet someone.  A potential girlfriend.   They see something like this and then they don’t give me a chance.  You will be missing out if you do.  Being caring is only one of my great qualities. Besides the tears are probably beneficial to the eyes.  A little bit of cleaning:)

It feels like there is indeed a shift.   I’ve learned.

Yes I am a dork.

I was writing Christmas cards to my students at Starbucks.   A bit after I got there a girl showed up and sat a few tables over.  I noticed that she was writing Christmas cards.  And yes she was cute.  So I used my suave skills and walked over and talked to her.  Okay that is what I should have done.  Just had the thought that maybe if I used that shampoo maybe some suave skills will sink in.

So here is what really happens.   Much more entertaining. 

I get done with my cards.  I have extra cards sitting there.  I’m like I should give her a Christmas card.  So yeah I wrote it up.  Wished her a Merry Christmas.  Shared a little about me.  And left my phone number.  Said we could meet up for coffee.  Sprinkled some  humor in there.

Wait gotta go the phone is ringing.  Not one of my contacts so it is probably her.   I’m suprised it took her so long.

Okay no it wasn’t ringing.  Yes I know the probability of getting a call is very very low.  If I do then she has a great sense of humor.  A plus in her category.  I’m sure got a great laugh and will have a story for friends.  Plus I shared a little Holiday cheer.  Gave her my four extra stamps.  I had a great laugh also.

You would think that someone that wears an elf costume all day or gives a card to a complete stranger wouldn’t be shy.  Yeah should have just talked to her.  Hard to get over the shy thing. 

Merry Christmas

 Update:

Okay point to her.  She has a sense of humor.  She called.  Says she is shy, but wants to meet up.  I’m going to give her a ring when she gets back in town. 

It was about a year ago that I joined the YMCA.  I had come to a point where I decided I needed to deal with my weight.   It wasn’t that I wasn’t active.  I have always done stuff.  Yet, I realized that it was having an impact on those things.  I also had high blood pressure.  Throw a fatty liver in there right before that. 

So I made a commitment.  I went to the Y at least a minimum of three days.  It was more like 4 or 5 days a week.  And I began to watch what I eat.  I still eat like crap, but in lesser amounts. 

A year ago I wanted to go from 230 and be at 200 by this New Years.  200 has come and gone.  I look back on my blog and I see that I was at 198 at the start of September.  At some point my goal had changed to 190.  Subsequently it went to 180. 

I currently sit at 187.  I won’t meet the 180.  Yet I far surpassed my other expecations.  Plus I’ve started working on weights to fix my upper body so that probably makes a difference.  I’ve accomplished a lot in a year through hard work and dedication. 

So unless I binge on twinkies for the next few days I have done great.  Really Great.

Crap!

I saw a news blurb on Yahoo today.  The California Supreme Court has decided that a lady can sue a coworker who rescued her from a car accident that they were in.  She ended up being paralyzed because he helped her. 

I find it hard to believe that someone who has the best of intentions can be sued over something like this.  How would she have felt if he had left her in the accident and she ended up dying?  Um yeah I do realize that she wouldn’t feel anything, but that is kind of my point.

The news story went on to describe how people might be hesitant to help others if they know there is a possiblity of being sued.

I am hoping that the jury doesn’t rule against the guy.

As far as will people stop helping others because of the potential of being sued.  I have a feeling those that are going to be good samaritans are going to do the right thing.  That is a

Recently I recieved two emails from former students.   One I taught at the elementary level a few years ago.  The other one I taught in sixth grade.   I remember that their was a show called Thirtysomething.  Didn’t watch it.  I’m like those people are old!  Maybe that is why I didn’t watch.  I don’t feel old though.  

 Nothing has ever made me feel old with the exception of seeing these little sixth graders now Adults.  I was an adult then.  So now I’m like old adult.  Some are even in their sophmore years!  The killer will be when the kids I taught in third grade graduate from highschool and head out into life.   

So today was the last day before Christmas Break.  I am so ready for the break.  I’m tired.  I need a recharge.  I am so not ready for the break.  I will really miss the kids.  It is nice seeing them each day.  Interacting with them.  They bring a lot of sunshine to my life.  And I know they enjoy being there most of the time.  There is laughter, learning, and life.   

I got a bunch of gifts that were really nice.  It causes two emotions.  Touched because they are so nice and thoughtful.  Guilty because I’m just doing my job.  I think I’m good at it though and do invest a lot of myself in it.  Yet, it still makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable.

I’ve had a tradition of having the kids order books to give as gifts to kids.  Share that it is my tradition that I do each year for the holiday season.  It is fun seeing their reactions when they realize that they were ordering their books.  So this year I started a new tradition.  Givng them each a beanie monkey because we have this huge monkey theme.  They weren’t as cool as the magic balls that my friend had seen at a store of course.  Actually they were pretty dang cool.  Maybe cooler than the monkey’s, but don’t spread the word.   I had put expo markers (kids love using even if it is for math) in the bags and they had kids name on them.  I had them give the marker to the kid and say Merry Christmas.  It was neat seeing them go around.  Want them to have a chance to give to a classmate.

The best part of the day.  Saying I am going to miss you guys over break.  I’m already looking forward to 2009.  Want to make it the best year yet.   I think the break will give me some time to reflect.

Laughing, Learning, and Life.  That is what I think of when I think of school.  qauite a change from a few months ago when I was so lost with it.  Even though lost starts with an l I think we can throw it out.  It doesn’t fit.    

I know you will probably never see this.

I know.  I understand.  I care.  Thinking of you.

Yes this is for you.