Milepost 99
I Feel it All
“I should shut up”
I’m a rambling fool

Those are titles that bounce around. By the end of this I will probably have something else.

Came across a notebook when I was at my parents for Thanksgiving. Amazing some of the stuff you come across when you move. It was a journal of writing from 2003. A different lifetime on one hand while at the same time part of this life. I’m glad I have the ability to write out the thoughts. I encourage it to anyone. It really lets you get the feelings out and makes you pause for reflection.

Worked on the house this weekend. Some things completed and others are a work in progress. Did add some abstract art. Was staining some mirror frames so that they will match some of the other decor I’m planning. Set up some painters plastic and worked on it while I caught up on shows. Ended up knocking the can. Now have some stain sploshes in the middle of the living room. I refer to it as abstract art. And yes I think I might have just made up sploshes.

It’s been four days since I last wrote. Feels like I got a lot out. Right now I’m feeling a bit of quiet. Yes writing, but feel quiet inside.

“I feel it all”. Have got hooked on Feist’s I feel it all. Was looking at the lyrics. Below the lyrics people were writing what they think the song means. Only the writer knows that. And for some writers I would guess that they want to leave it open for the listeners interpretation. That’s the beauty of music. We bring our own interpretations and experiences to it. This song is just capturing me.

Over a year ago I was given a bottle of wine as a gift. At the time was saving for a special occassion. Wrote a blog post on it a year ago. Life is unexpected and if we hold onto it for that special occassion we may not realize that it is special at that time. Wrote that back then. Watched the movie Up this weekend. I guess a theme that stood out to me was I guess we can worry about what we are going to do but then forget what we are doing. The stuff that we are doing my seem inconsequential at the time, but looking back at it some day it may not seem like it was. It may be special.

Milepost 99- See that this is the 99th post. Next one is 100. Was like I need to wait for something significant to write for that post. But in the train of thought of above is there anything more special because of a number. Think not. Next time I’m moved to write will write.

We were doing centers today. The kids rotate around. I run the one center where I work on them with math based on where they are at with their understanding. We were working on a problem and I was all talking about it. “I should shut up”. Yeah they were off and running. No sense in talking. I think sometimes I’m too open about things. Not in regards to school, but everything else. Debatable.

So a bunch of rambling different thoughts. Do I think I’m a fool? No the opposite. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I reflect on who I am and I hold my head high. Yeah, that is what I do. I hold my head high.

You open the door and for a split second you just wait to see her on the other side. Her wagging her tail and greeting you. She was always excited to see people.

Kate would have been 9 this month….

My parents had picked up her ashes since I had been here. I knew they were here. It’s one of those things where you want to know, but you don’t want to know. Then I finally came across them.

I’m okay with it.

Today I was thinking about the time I picked her up a few months before she had to leave. We had to board her. When I picked her up I was walking back to my parents and I was carrying her toy. She kept nudging at it. I finally gave it to her and she just strutted down the road. She was totally showing off. That was Kate.

I’m at peace with it. Just before she went to sleep I came to my parents. I opened the door and she was there. Her tail started thumping like crazy on the floor. But she didn’t move and get up. She didn’t come to greet me. She must have been so sick. But to show that happiness. She lived a really good life that was full of love. I couldn’t let her live in pain.

I now have to decide on what to do with her ashes. It just feels right to let them go. Let her run free. I know it needs to be something with water. She loved the water. I remember a time when it was a bit cooler. She was shaking from the cold. But she kept shaking. Yet she didn’t want to leave. She wanted to keep rescuing sticks. She was our little lifeguard.

I’ve decided that it is either the river here where she swam so much. She had her special place where she swam so much. Let her rest in the river. The other is the ocean. The coast. We once took her on a trip and she had so much fun. We stayed in a motel that was like a cabin. She got to spend a lot of time on the beach. I also love the ocean. It is special for me. I’m going to wait until the spring. When things are starting to come alive and then I will let her go. I want it to be sunny day where there is warmth from the sun.

Here is a video of her at the ocean. I watch it and it feels like this is the right place for her to rest.

Walk on the Ocean Video

Here is a photo album from the trip

Oregon Trip 2006

You can click on the pictures above. they will start off super huge, but then will adjust to a decent size.

Probably makes you wonder about the future of America being in my hands…

I always come up with these brilliant ideas. Well I think so, but the kids don’t. Obviously I need to do a better job of educating them on my brilliance. Today I came up with one of my brilliant inventions. The Skybox Teaching Seat! I figure they use it in football to watch the game and call plays. Well with this invention I can see all their whiteboards from above and see how it is going. Simply brilliant! The best was that they were guarding the door to let me know if the Principal was coming. Yes I am a poor role model:)

Up above are also pics of the famous Alfredo.

Monday we take the Direct Math Assessment, which is a state test given to all fourth graders. It is a 1-4 rating scale with 1 way below grade level, 2 near grade level, 3 being on grade level, and 4 being advanced. Last year 2 percent of the fourth graders in the state got a 4. Translating that to my class 1/2 a kid should have gotten a 4. I had 17 percent of my class get a four. We also beat the state averages.

We take the test next Wednesday. Excited for them.

I think if you connect with kids through humor and caring they are naturally going to learn. They enjoy being there. I think that is an important part of teaching.

I didn’t purposely snub you on the rollerblading. I think it’s the fact that I blocked that out of my mind that it was you. Taking me rollerblading on the steepest road in Coeur d’ Alene. Especially when I was just learning. I think it had more vertical drop than Schweitzer. The Mt. Everest of Coeur d’ Alene might be more appropriate. Nothing better than taking off the blades and walking down barefoot while everbody drives by. You probably were able to go to town, eat dinner, and come back.

It suddenly becomes clear. Throwing darts at my picture, giving me a concussion by shoving me into the fence during football, and the gay comments. This while you actually liked me. No wonder I blocked it all out.

Then again I am the one that drove the get away truck that stole your Grandma’s duck sign, punched you in the face, and stepped on some defensless bird in front of you and killed it.

Thank goodness your Grandma didn’t kill me this summer. I can finally breath a sigh of relief after 17 years. It was always a fear that she would find out and one day I would open the door to see her there with a shotgun:) Wow! Can you believe it’s been 17 years.

Yes I knew it was you rollerblading with me. I want you to know that it means a lot that you read the blog. Quite the journey we’ve had. Cool to be friends.

Disclaimer: For those that don’t know she told me to try hitting her so she could show me how she learned some self-defense. I just didn’t realize that she had stopped. No I don’t hit girls. Well this time I guess, but not on purpose. I can’t remember how I stepped on that bird. Did you shove me. Probably:)

During the 2001/2002 school year I placed a pen on the top of my classroom clock. It was my second year of teaching. I didn’t remember, but I did.

Sometimes when I sit down to write the thoughts are already flowing through my mind. I can’t get the fingers on the keyboard soon enough. Fingers try to keep up with the thoughts. Sometimes I sit and ponder. The fingers wait for the thoughts to come.

I often hear my voice when I write. I can later go back and read them and say yes that is me. That is so me. Started writing How I Met your Mother part 2 last night, but couldn’t complete it. Looked at what I had tonight and it looked like words. Words that had been placed down. I’m just not finding my voice for it.

Sometimes I have to take a different route with my writing. I write other words and thoughts and then run across the words that I was wanting to speak. I don’t think that i will find the words for that post tonight, but I eventually will. I think that in someway this post is a way to help find them. Just seems like they might be found.

Fourth grade is the year that we study Idaho History. We are currently looking at the Native American tribes of Idaho. I was going to have the kids do an activity using pictogaphs. To make it more interesting, I had some pictures from a river trip that I took two summers ago that had pictographs that were thousands of years old. Show them the real thing before we started using some made up ones. At one point during the pictures I had a couple of students going who is that? Some of the other students pointed out that it was me. Then one kid shared that yeah his mom told him that I had lost a lot of weight since I taught his sister three years ago. The things kids do and say. The things that become special in our year.

The other day I was sorting through documents that I had been storing at my parents. They were things from my old house. Mainly old receipts that needed to be shredded. I came across a book of yellow notebook papers stapled together. It was a book that had been created by two of my students during my first year of teaching. It was made for Teacher Appreciation week. That is where the title of where this post comes from. It was just one of my crazy antics that occured in our classroom that stuck with us for the year. Another page in the book documented me rollerblading. That year one of the students saw me rollerblading on the greenbelt and it became a huge thing for the year.

Each year something new and unique comes up. One year it was a student going oooohhh, ahhhhh, and then clapping after I taught something. The whole class took it upon themselves to do it at times. Okay and i did it sometimes also:) It became a part of our year. One year it was the students being obsessed that I find a princess. I had one of the students the following year. On the first day of class I let them ask questions. Her first question…Did you find a princess? Back in middle school it was a continuous discussion of my outstanding artistic abilities. The fact that one of the students once snuck into the teacher’s lounge to put a business card in my mailbox that was for art instruction sums that one up:) We still haven’t found our thing this year. We will though.

Maybe the words and thoughts do start within this post….

I do remember the story that goes with the pen on the clock. I so remember that. I just didn’t remember putting the pen up at the end of the story. There were only a few who were part of that story. And for one of them the pen would become a memory carried through high school and past. Remembered. Last year they would tell me about the pen.

I put a pen on the clock.

I’ve written a lot this weekend. Still working on How I Met Your Mother Part 2. No I’m not waiting till I find a wife and have kids so I can tell them the story:)

Writing is a way for me to express my emotions and not hold them inside. I find it soothing. Maybe my writing assignment last week let one of the kids get something out that they held inside. I find it soothing. After my Spoken post I wondered about writing. Felt like if I stopped there it would show it’s signifigance. It is significant. Always will be. So is the other stuff I write. It shows how much significance that post is. It is the post.

Also wanted to write to show that I’m okay….

That school is good. That I’m making a difference in kids lives. In the past I would have taken all the emotions that I’m holding inside and poured them into school. Hidden out with school and blocked out the rest of my life. Have kept the balance this time. Healthy while at the same time making a difference. It’s more than just the writing assignment. It is being real with them. Being a part of a community. One day I was having a really bad day. I talked to the kids about it in the sense that i was struggling today. Just like they probably do. A little girl wrote me a note that said “I’m sorry, I hope tomorrow is better”. That is what our classroom is like. Me being real with them.

Went out to comedy with a couple of people I work with and one that I used to with some people attached to them. Had a good time laughing at the comedians. Could be myself. Didn’t have to put the facade up with that group. Continuing to do things in my life. Not shutting myself out like in the past.

I’ve accomplished so much with my house. I now have my office set up. Just one wall to paint, but someone has a sample they want me to put up to see if I want to make an accent wall. My bedroom is done. My friend trimmed it out on Saturday. So two rooms and the living room are done as far as having paint and items in them. Eventually the decor can come. Putting thought into it. Approaching my house so much differently than the old one.

Today I went to look for some ideas for the living room. Have an initial idea of what I want to do. Was looking to get ideas to complete it today. Didn’t find what I was looking for. A few weeks ago I went to get a shower curtain. Picked one then I was like wait a minute I need to coordinate. Wow coordinate entered my thought process.. So I held off because I didn’t find towels that matched. Today I found what I liked. Towels and the curtain. Even better is one color matched with the hall paint. And it gives me a possible tie in for a color for the bathroom eventually when I paint it. It is becoming something. Not a sterile space.

I titled it designer because when my friend was doing work on his house I was giving ideas and they all worked out. Do I have a knack at designing, No far from it. You should see how many paint samples I’ve gone through. However, I’m sure good at getting others opinions and sometimes I do find the right touch.

My big accomplishment is I stripped all the wallpaper this weekend from my kitchen. It was hideous. I don’t know if it originally had a yellow tint to it but it did now. Stripped it off and the wall paint was in need of help. Got most of it primed so I can paint it in the future. Just looks much cleaner and is a big improvement and will work until I finish the cabinets. Probably next big project is painting them.

Came to Starbucks. Writing here right now. Got some grading now and even more importantly is I finished my second class I was taking. Four more graduate credits headed my way. Striving to make another jump on the pay scale next year.

Saw Starbucks girl here tonight. We run into each other a lot here. Her studying and me doing work. Different starbucks than where I gave her the card. She probably thinks I troll starbucks with a bag of cards. I’m joking because she knows that isn’t the case. It’s been a while since we actually did something, but see here often and catch up.

Makes me think about a former post. It seems like a lifetime ago that I questioned my looks because things weren’t working out when I dated. Now realize that it isn’t the case. People do find me attractive. Her and I just didn’t have a connection more than being friends.

So yeah staying busy with lots of different things.

There is a tv show that I love. The basic premise is that this guy is describing to his kids “How I met Your Mother”. We don’t know who she is. At times he will say things like he was teaching a class, and their mother was in that room. He just didn’t know it at the time. Life is interesting like that.

The girl I was just dating…. I had met her a few times, but we really started hanging out at our friend’s wedding. It was just over a year before that I had been at another wedding. Funny because that is where our friends had met. It turns out that we were both there. Neither of us remembers the other being there. Funny. A year later this person became a huge part of my life and we had been at the same place for hours and didn’t cross paths. I was looking at her facebook photos a while back. I actually see myself in one of her photos at that wedding. The only reason I recognize myself is that I knew I was there after we talked about it.

I think she was there with a date or boyfriend. Her path went that way. My evening ended with someone telling me that they wanted to start hanging out with me. Our paths hadn’t crossed. They crossed at a later time. Maybe when it was supposed to happen.

So now our paths diverge….
No I’m not sitting here saying she is the mother of my children. The point is we don’t know where life’s paths lead us or what we will encounter on the way. I have no idea where her path heads now. I have no idea what her world is like now.

A topic for next time. Writing. The topics you assign your students….

I’m at a place where I want to write so I’m back writing about the writing topic:) When the students at school write I sometimes pick a topic for them and sometimes they choose their own. We were focusing on intro, body, and conclusion so I assigned something where they could easily accomplish the above.

Being at the place I was at I came up with the idea that they should write about one of the happy moments in their life or one of the saddest days. I find it easiest to write when it has meaning to us. yesterday they came and shared their writing with me.

I was unprepared for all of the sad things that I would suddenly start to read. Little 9 and 10 year olds writing the stuff that they did. To have to have conversations about certain things.

One of my friends posted on facebook a bit back about what it wouldn’t be great to be a kid again. Ride the bike down to the store and get some candy. Something like that. Basically that being a kid was carefree. My comment was wouldn’t it be great if some kids could have that also.

It is amazing what some kids face. You would never know. Maybe their writing and sharing might be something that was helpful.

I wish I could go back to fourth grade and see myself. I make a video of the kids and I wish I had something like that. It would give me a better idea of what i was like then. More of an “outsiders” view. Today made me think about how much different I would be as a student.

Our school does different character traits that we try to teach the kids. This year the counselor and I have been doing skits to teach those traits. She is always dressed up with a construction belt that is filled with the different traits. I’m dressed in a kids lego shirt, a big afro, and have on Harry potter style glasses. Round that out with some basketball shorts that don’t match at all and my airwalks. Throw in a little bit of goofiness and you have Alfredo.

The first assembly saw me running into the gym screaming and yelling. Pushing my way through to the class I was in. Then standing up and yelling at my friend to see if he wanted to play football after school. of course I was then taught how to be responsible. Today I had to rescue the counselor from the food drive barrel that we had as part of our empathy theme.

As I was dressing I was just struck by the fact that me being Alfredo is the exact opposite of what I was like as a student. Someone that almost didn’t return to get a teaching credential because he was afraid to take speech. Me running around in front of 450 kids and probably 30 adults isn’t the kid I used to be.

I’ve been getting settled into my house. A load for the dump, more painting, organizing, putting closets back together, more painting, and getting a futon from friends, etc….. It starts to come together. It is different when it is your own. You do things and there is a permanence in the sense that you know if you want to keep it you can. Your not in transition.

I had some friends drop by last night because they wanted to check out the new digs. A different life now. I remember my old house. Not a lot of people ever saw it. Now I have all of these people who want to come see this one. My life is so much more fuller than that point in time. I was watching Life as a House the other night. At the end he describes his life as a house. That he built it. I went to Canada because I felt like I didn’t have a life here. Just my parents. Now I have a life here.

It’s been pointed out that I have a hard time letting things go. The house was a big one. I can let go of the old one now. It is past me. The funny thing is that as much as it was hard to look back at the loss of it, I just didn’t see my life there. It totally wouldn’t have fit my current life. This fits my life.

Wallpaper…I also started taking it off this weekend. It is amazing how all these little projects seem to take so much time. Even though I accomplished a lot it seems like I barely made a dent. My kitchen will definitely be the next big undertaking until I accumulate more funding. The cabinets are mismatched as I have three different colors going on. Getting them painted will make a big difference. Along with paint in the kitchen it will rally be freshened up.

The wallpaper is coming off. It isn’t instantaneous, but it is coming off.

Wallpaper. Underneath all of it is the heart of it.