The year comes to an end…

I’ve written a lot over the last few months. Seemed only fitting that I write a post before the new year starts.

Loss- There was big loss this year. It was the lost of a close friendship at the start of 2009. It was the loss of my Grandma. It was the loss of a relationship/friendship that looked like it might have been something more. It was the loss of my Baby Kate. After 9 years of raising her Kate is gone. It brings me to tears right now to think that.

And I write becuase that’s what I do…. There is an emptiness. It doesn’t make sense. I’m surrounded by friends and family. My life is really full….. yet I am lonely.

Gains- There was so much gained this year. It was a year of much personal growth. It was finding a place where I appreciate myself from within. No longer needing that message from others.

It was taking risks and leaps. Asking people out and dating. Putting myself out there.

It was the rafting. Not just traveling down a river. It was having over 50 different people whitewater raft on the boat. Me having learned how to do something in my life that I enjoy. And through that meeting so many people and giving them great experiences and memories.

It’s hearing from past students that remember sixth grade. Working with students last year and a new group this year. Not just teaching, but caring.

It’s buying a new house. “Building” a house with updates and changes. In a sense a settling of roots.

It was the meeting of new people and making new friends.

Saw the movie Up in the Air. Great movie. Won’t write about it but I found it powerful. Movies about life can be. I loved the following line.

Life is better with company. Everyone needs a co-pilot.

Yes I feel lonely right now. I used to be okay being by myself. I’ve been single more of my life than I have dated. I’ve been okay with that. I’m no longer okay with that. And I don’t mean in the sense that I just want anyone. I want the right one. I think it is because I’ve changed. When you don’t view yourself well you feel like you deserve it. I deserve it. I have a good life and I want to share that with someone and share in their life.

The co-pilot line…. Yes I want to find a co-pilot. Maybe I need to go to flight school and become a pilot:) Yes I laughed lots in 2009:) (Okay the copilot word sounds ridiculous to me, but it’s the sentiment)

I wrote this post in a particular order. The loss. It is a part of life. I then moved onto the positives because I know that I’m fortunate. I also want to end with a positive note so that is why it came second. I finished with Up in the Air because of the message of the movie for me.

I’m very fortunate to have such a wonderful family, great friends, and my wonderful students. That is my life and it is good. I do want more…More memories to share with family and friends, to continue growing, and maybe along the way I meet someone special to share it all with.

Goodbye 2009.

Unasked, Unanswered, Unwritten, Unsaid.

Unimportant?

No

So I heard a couple of things in a tv show I watched tonight that I thought were very thoughtful. Who says tv rots your brain?

um what was I going to type?:)

Don’t have the exact lines on this one. But basically the guy says I’ve always been able to take care of others, but when it comes to myself I can’t. Have often thought that about myself. True? Used to really believe that. Now my answer to it is complicated and hard to explain. So partially true in some instances.

A quote from the show- “Sometimes the things that your the most afraid of are the things that make you the happiest.” So very true of myself.

Went to starbucks and worked on the Yearbook cover. I do the yearbook at school. It takes a lot of time to do and is volunteering my time. So much for going into teaching for the summer vacations and time off:) It turns out well though and I have a lot of pride in it.

I spend a lot of time at the starbucks. I like being there because it is a social setting where I can focus on my work. so I know one of the girls that works there. She was asking me how my holiday was and eventually it led to where I grew up. I said the town I was from and she points at the girl working with her. Turns out that girl is from the same town and going to college here. Talked to her a bit earlier. It is funny. After talking to her I was thinking I know three people who I know that are going into the field that she wants to. I have “connections”.

That is what it is interesting about life. How over time we make all of these connections with other people. It is one of the things that makes life interesting. Interesting also on how I am so unshy compared to what I used to be.

Sometimes life forces things to have to change in our lives. Maybe even though we think they suck, maybe they are meant to happen. Maybe they are changes that eventually become something more.

I know I started writing about “sixteen years”. That is because sixteen years ago it became very public knowledge that I had mental issues. It sounds bad said that way. It was bad.

I write that because sixteen years ago at the age of 19 I would admit myself to a mental hospital because I was troubled. Those around me would attribute it to the ending of my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. It wasn’t the girl. Struggles for me began long before that. She has known the truth for a long time. Thanks for letting me write. I title this post “How long?” because I don’t know specifically when my troubles began. Sometime in my earlier teens if not much earlier.

I’m no longer 19. I’m 35.

So sharing:

Just state it in the obvious.

-I’m struggling with depression right now. I need to share that.

-I recently had two friends share that they read my blog. Don’t know who reads this. Please don’t guess at the reasons for the depression. It isn’t fair to anyone. I know what is going on for me. Just know that I’m hurting and that it will be okay.

I’ve learned so many important lessons over the last 16 years. I’m no longer in that counseling session at odds with myself and not understanding. No longer am I dumb. No longer am I judging myself. No longer am I hating myself. I’m acknowledging that I’m scared and hurting so that false anger doesn’t happen. I’ve successfully battled depression before in healthy ways. I know it will get better.

I don’t have mental issues. I have a mental illness. One that I have learned to deal with in healthy ways.

I am so much more than this.

Took a trip today. It was a year back in my blog.

I was jumping around because as you can see there are little numbers next to the monthly archives. I know I’ve written lots lately. I’m sitting here wondering about the sixteen year posts. They have been on my mind for nearly two weeks. They come and go. And in the bigger picture should I be writing so much on here? I don’t know the answer. I do know that I’m tired of the “sixteen years” titles.

A year ago in December I wrote Fortune cookie and two-words….

Self-esteem:

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.-Martin Luther King, Jr.

I’ve been struggling with severe depression lately. Yet despite that I feel very good about myself. For me I am in a very challenging spot. Yet I haven’t questioned who I am. I like who I am. In the past I haven’t felt that way about myself in the best of times. To have felt it in the best of times and now during difficult times it shows me that I have finally found respect for myself. I really like who I am.

Share:

I’ve always had a problem with sharing. Turning into myself and withdrawing when I’m struggling. Then self-destructing. The blog has been a way of me turning outwards. Finding things to share that are fun is a way of expressing and turning outwards. I’ve written personal things on here also about my struggles with depression.

I’ve arrived at a healthy self-esteem place in my life. Now I move onto the depression thing. That is what I’m introducing. Am I writing too much? I really don’t know….

So I opened one of the gifts my sister gave me. It was a year membership to the Boise Public Library. I thought to myself that is cool. Where did she come up with a gift idea like that. It finally clicked that I didn’t need a membership. I pay taxes and there is no membership fee.

It was a very creative gift. Had a good laugh. We play pranks on each other like that.

The year before I went around her house and picked out items throughout her house. Put them in gift bags for her. Those were her “gifts”. I felt pretty confident that I was getting stuff that she would enjoy.

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life.

Those lines come from a movie that I just saw. It is a great movie. It has such a great message. At least the way I interpret it.

I don’t know exactly what I think about the above lines. They stood out to me. I think I may disagree.

My niece and nephew arrived on Christmas Eve. My niece walked in the door. Saw me and ran straight over and gave me a big hug. Really excited to see me. My nephew walked over to my mom and the first thing he said to her was “I heard what happened to Kate.” Just moments that stood out to me.

The big thing for my niece and nephew when they see me is playing monster. Basically it entails me chasing them around. Them making up different rules for the game that are continually changing throughout. Pretty unremarkable really because it is just a game. Today we were playing. Made me think of my Uncle and how he use to lift me up to the ceiling when I was a kid. He was a big strong guy and I would find myself laying horizontally against the ceiling. I can’t remember if I would scream or not. I can’t remember if I even enjoyed it.

I do remember those trips to the ceiling. And I’m pretty sure they were on unremarkable days.

Sixteen years. That is where the story starts, but it really isn’t the start.

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Can’t remember where I saw that quote, but I find it powerful. I find it true. Fortunately and unfortunately it speaks of my life.

At the surface I write because I want people to understand. Beneath and probably the real reason is that I think I’m looking for understanding for myself. I was using the restroom tonight at the bookstore and there was a piece of metal. In it my image was distorted. I think it describes aspects of my life before my time of understanding.

It took me so long to understand.

An overview of a conversation I had sixteen years ago.

Me- “I get good grades, but I feel stupid”.
Them- “ That doesn’t make sense.”
Me- “I know, but I feel dumb.”

It went back and forth like that. Basically me sharing my feelings. Them telling me that it didn’t make sense. Basically my feelings being invalidated. Yes I knew at the time how irrational my words were. I even shared that I knew how ridiculous it sounded. However, it was what I felt. We can’t control what we feel. That was my first ever counseling session. Telling me over and over that it didn’t make sense wasn’t beneficial. I already knew that.

I never went back……

So I bought a book tonight. Well one of my students bought a majority of the book. They had given me a 20 dollar gift certificate to Borders. Definitely get a lot of nice and thoughtful gifts being a teacher. Probably the second reason I went into teaching was the gifts. The first being Summer Vacation. Okay bump the gifts to number 3 because there is Christmas vacation. Just joking of course.

I was Christmas shopping and happened upon the book by accident. The book is simply titled Bipolar II.

In the past I’ve looked briefly online at Bipolar II because I had questions on medicine. However, I’ve never really read in depth on it. Never researched it. Two years ago a doctor did a bunch of screenings. He felt that I had Bipolar II. After he gave me a basic description of what it was I also felt it was what I had. I had never known what “normal” was supposed to be. The result of that was a complete change in medicine. No longer was it a sampling of drugs that didn’t seem to help. Before that it had been Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and prozac. It’s not like I didn’t try. Using a hairbrush to brush your teeth doesn’t work very well though. I’m now on epilepsy medicine. No I don’t have epilepsy. One of the side effects is it stabalizes mood swings.

If it comes up I say I’m bipolar. But just bipolar II. I’ve always kind of dismissed it as not being that big of a deal because it’s not the “real” bipolar. I skimmed through the book a bit. it is just a diferent sort of bipolar so it now has it’s own classification. It describes how people with this have hypomania. Which is great because it causes lots of energy and they are very successful at what they do. That would be my case with teaching. However, the opposite side of that is that depression is also a part of that equation. The book is about explaining what bipolar II is and utilizing the beneficial aspects of it.

I’m curious to read it. Hopefully I will learn something new. Something that is beneficial and helpful.

I don’t think a book can teach us everything though. We are all such unique individuals. Our make up is completely different. Our experiences are completely different. There isn’t a manual that can describe us. We are unique. We are our selfs. We can only write our own books.

I saw a book that was about writing. The blurb said that writing is part of human nature. I know that my posts have been serious of late. If your hear to read the fun adventures I know they will be more in the future. This is where my life is right now. Now will be a series of postings that are for me. I don’t know how many. Some of the thoughts are formed and I’m sure others will come as they go. They are “Sixteen Years” of thoughts.
I do hope people read.

Yes other posts will appear. Fun posts. Stick with me. I will just title these “Sixteen Years”, because I know other stuff will pop up. Fun stuff.

Where am I right now. I’m looking at the past and seeing the present….

I was in target tonight getting some decor. These two girls walk into the aisle that I was in. After a bit the one girl goes why does it have to smell so good in this aisle. I apologized and left. I hope they find the candles they were looking for:)

Thanks for the comment Snow. I am the marrying kind. I just don’t come with guitar playing skills:) It took me a long time to get there. I’m happy where I’m at as a person. Not the same person I was a couple of years ago. Was working on my house today and it kind of speaks to it.

I got some shelves up in my living room this weekend. I put my first personal picture up on one of the shelves and it was of Kate. It made me cry when I first set it up there. Now, I just love it. It is this great picture of her hiding out in the “jungle”. She would have loved the house.

The living room decor is coming together. It is nice personalizing the canvas. I’ve actually put thought into it and am liking it. Not just random stuff thrown up. I’m thinking it might trend a bit towards the sensitive side. That is my way of saying towards the feminine side:) If I start dating someone I will just say a decorator did it:) Actually I’m okay with it. I feel comfortable in there and that is the important thing.

So maybe that is it. I’ve always judged myself poorly because of the sensitive side of me. Not being the strong stereotypical male. It has bothered me and probably has been one of the biggest contributors to poor self-esteem.

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide

I hear those lyrics and it reminds me of the wagon lips. I thought I knew the truth. The truth that we believe may really not be the truth though. I think that is why the “truth lies”. And when we don’t understand things correctly it can divide. The lies do indeed divide. With the case of the lips it didn’t with the exception of when I was younger I was embarrassed by my lips. I think my life has been a great divide not because of misconceptions of the truth, but for the fact that I wasn’t okay with the truth.

I think the truth that I believe is that I have always known that I’m sensitive. However, I haven’t been okay with that. I’ve finally embraced that is who I am. And that without it I wouldn’t be the person that I am. Things such as teaching probably wouldn’t have happened.

I’ve also finally embraced that I am a strong person. I guess many things are testimony to that if I was to step outside of myself. It’s just bringing the opposite thoughts of sensitivity and strenth into harmony.

I know that my writing hasn’t been the cheeky stuff of my experience with the girls at Target. I think though that this has been really good for me. It’s been a time of looking at myself and I’m recording the lessons for myself.