So I watched Marley and me this weekend. I don’t know why I had never seen it before. Had seen previews of it before and it seemed like it might be a hollow comedy. hmmm hollow comedy? I guess something with a few funny moments, but not many and no substance. Then I heard it was good, but kind of heavy. It was great. The way he describes Marley in the end is so descriptive of the place that dogs take in our lives. Very special. Yeah Kate is missed, but the times are special and filled with laughter and love. Just seemed like she should have had three more years. Three years? Just feels like it.

Somehow I have a feeling that it still has a story that hasn’t been written in regards to my life.

I wrote the above over a year ago. It really did speak to me at the time. Maybe it still holds true in the way I was thinking. I just didn’t realize that the sentiment would already come true, but in a completely different way…twice. Life has this funny way of throwing things at us.

January comes to an end. In the past New Years eve has always been this time when I look forward to the wonderful possibilities of the upcoming year. This year it wasn’t that way. I entered it with unremarkable expectations.

It has already been a remarkable month.

I want to write, but I can’t.

So I write this instead….

I was giving the SAT this saturday. Once again I was in a history class where I had given the test before. I was surrounded by quotes, pictures, and events. The past. While sitting there and checking id’s when the kids showed up my mind went to the past.

I was standing in the cafeteria after dropping off the students at lunch. Suddenly there was a commotion and I saw a kid take his tray and throw it. Then he ran. I ran. He was a fast little guy. I would find him hiding under desks in the classroom. It was the first time I had been left with the kids. I was a student teacher and the lead teacher had left the building. The kid was in my class.

That boy was doing the right thing. He was doing what he had been told in the past. Yet he wasn’t listened too when he tried to explain. It became too much. He wasn’t an ordinary boy, but are any of the kids really ordinary? Rhetorical question. The boy had many things including voices that talked to him. I can’t remember his official diagnoses, but it was something. In that moment we would talk under the desks. It would be tears and the flowing of the words. Where the duty wouldn’t listen to him I listened.

When I was student teaching the kids invited me to their sporting games. It’s amazing how you become a part of kids lives when you teach. Several were playing in a soccer championship and it turned out that the boy was in it. Afterwards, he would ask his coach if he could get a ride home from me. The scary thing is that the coach let him just based on the fact that the kid said I was his teacher. Not that I’m a bad person, but the guy didn’t even know me. And I guess that speaks to the situation. He had no one there for him.

I would take him home. His mom was working. His Grandma was having a garage sale so that they could earn some money. They needed money. I remember growing up and going for ice cream after soccer games. He had just won the championship. There was nothing like that for him. No celebrations. It was a family struggling to survive where they couldn’t even be at his game. Grandma let me take him out to celebrate. He chose Burger King.

He walked around that restaurant showing everyone in the place his medal. I ate lunch with a champion.

I so hope you are well.

I saw these quotes recently and really like…

“It is more important to know the person who has the disease than the disease the person has.” -Hippocrates

“Never look down upon someone unless your are helping them up”- I’m not sure who wrote that last one.

I love to write and it brings me clarity, laughs, happiness, and understanding just to name a few things. Sometimes it is a challenge. Like deciding how to write something a certain way or not write something. Sometimes it leads to discovery.

I saw a puppy wandering along a yard yesterday. It made me think of the time I didn’t pick Kate. I chose a wonderful dog. It was my dog I thought. All the siblings were all cute as they stumbled around each other. My parents and I decided to play with some of the other ones before we left. I set my puppy down and picked up one of her siblings. The new dog just nuzzled into me. I didn’t pick Kate. In that moment we chose each other. I found my little Kate.

I realized while writing this that this story is similar to the house buying story.

The discovery is that we think we know something, but we really don’t. And that speaks to many aspects of my life.

A great quote I heard today. Very meaningful at this point in my life.

Do not believe in something simply because you have heard it

Discover the Truth

Above are the before pictures.
I didn’t want to buy my house at first. I walked in and hated it. Walked out knowing it wasn’t for me….

I had just walked through the exact floor plan a few minutes before. The same house as mine but it had been completely remodeled and updated. New carpet, freshly painted, new doors, remodeled kitchen complete with new cabinets, and extra bathroom and master bedroom. It was the house I wanted. Ultimately I wouldn’t be able to buy that house. I really felt like I got my second choice. The excitement of getting my house was always tainted a bit by the fact that it wasn’t the other house.

The second choice had none of the things above. The thing is I couldn’t imagine living in the other house now. I’m glad that I didn’t get it. The house I got was the one meant for me. The other one didn’t have the need for changes. It would currenlty look the same as the day I walked through it. My house has changed dramatically. It has personality.

My house has friends and family. They have all helped transform my house.

They are a part of my house.

Here are some after pictures. Still need to put some doors on.

My life changed at 1:30 today. It was an ordinary day.

There was a moment in my life where two different and drastically different paths lay ahead of me. The choice was completely out of my hands. That choice was held by someone else.

This is the path that I ended up on. Can I say that this path is better? No because I don’t know where the other one would have led. The other one definitely would have been unpleasant at the start. I might have overcome it and who knows what that might have meant.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have ended up teaching. I wouldn’t have taken the “risks” I would have had to take to get here. And if I would have taken the leap my life path would have beeen in someones hands. It would have meant a second chance. That would have been out of my hands.

The decision made was beneficial to me. It may have simply came to the fact that the person of power was the friend of my dad. More importantly maybe it was how I had lived my life. That was told to me so it did factor.

Two years ago I was standing in a line at blockbuster. If anyone in the distant future reads it we used to get videos from stores:). A “kid” started gushing on how without me he wouldn’t have made it through middle school and high school math. That year of sixth grade I spent a few days after school helping a couple of my students. Simply my time. Was I paid anything. I can’t count the wealth gained. It was a five minute conversation.

That was an unordinary day. Today was an ordinary day. Two drastically different paths were not present.

And it happened at 1:30.

I wrote a sentence on the whiteboard during class today. It started with “How will you…”.

Over Christmas my niece and nephew were swinging. I was telling my sister how in elementary school my friend had his ear nearly torn off because it hit the swing next to his. And no I wasn’t trying to freak her out. yes, I promise. Just one of those childhood memories that jumps out at you. The friend and I grew up together. Then in 8th grade his family moved and we hadn’t talked since. Last night I got an email from him. One of those unexpected pleasant surprises.

I shared with him that I had just been talking to my sister about the ear story. He remarked that it’s better to be remembered for something rather than nothing at all.

Yes I remember the ear plus a flood of childhood memories. I remember being in a bus line and being picked on by someone. Him sticking up for me. I remember that. Just like the friend that lived between us gave the kid a bloody nose in kindergarten because the kid took some of my blocks. I grew up with friends that stood up for me.

The thing is I couldn’t stand up for myself back then. It would lead to self-esteem issues for years. Yet there was something I really learned through those experiences. It is nice when you have people around that support you.

I was driving to work today thinking about that bus line and memories.

At the start of the day I wrote a sentence on the board. I then launched into the story of how I heard from a friend and how I could remember the ear and that bus line. It was over sixteen years ago and I still remember that.

Earlier in the week I had a girl come into class who was concerned about a kid at recess. The kid was just hanging out on the wall all sad so she asked him what was wrong. He didn’t have any friends to play with. She tried to help him and was unsuccessful so she came up with the idea that the counselor might have an idea to help him.

I told her story to the kids today and the kind of positive impact she is having on people. She is leaving an impression on people. I told her that I will remember her as such a caring individual. She just beamed the whole time.

I wouldn’t have done that little “lesson” if it wouldn’t have been for the things that have shaped me. Also if it wouldn’t have been for the people that have been in my life. I can only say that our little class discussion was huge for that girl. Yet, as I write I’m wondering if it wasn’t even huger for me.

How will you be remembered?

My sister once gave me a children’s book. It was about a boy that
wasn’t afraid of all the different kinds of monsters under his bed.
Page by page he was cool and collected. On the last page he freaked
out. What was under the bed….

It is weird how life can trigger little memories of things like
thinking about that book.

So my friend informed me that according to facebook we need to
reconnect. Kind of funny because we work together so usually we see
each other a minimum of 5 days a week. I guess the real world isn’t
enough.

I was approached by a teacher who I work with today. She told me she had a question for me and then let me know it was embarrassing. So when it came down to it the question was whether or not I am open to a blind date and if I was single. I’ve had this happen numerous times where people get all flustered when it comes to that topic and asking if I would want to meet someone. No need to…

So what was under the bed? Yep it was a girl. No I’m not afraid of girls:)

In college we wondered what Colitas was in the song “Hotel California” by the Eagles. Cool wind in my hair warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air. I did a search in the University library back in the day and came up with nothing. Our guess was a flower and I found nothing. So jump ahead two decades. Wow! That is a surprise to think of it as two decades ago. Now I have the world wide web. Different hypotheses, but the common feeling is that it is a reference to marijuana.

It was sunny today and warm enough that I went for a ride on my cruiser. Saw a Harley while waiting at the light and was on my “ride”. It’s a bike cruiser as I don’t have a motorcycle I should clarify. Mine didn’t make as much noise:) It does though, just not the right kind. Thought about the smells that riding out in the open provide. It was a bit cool, but sunny and the air was crip so that is where the Colitas thoughts came from. Weird how random thoughts pop into our brains.

I love the location of my house. I am a few miles from the greenbelt. It is a paved trail that follows the Boise river and goes through town. I rode downtown and then made a loop up through the “North End” where there is a park and a bunch of mountain bike trails start. I then timed it from the park back to my house. Only a fifteen minute ride so I’m excited by that. No need to load the bike mountain bike in the car to go for rides.

It was the warm feel of sunshine on my face.

I told a student that they could be the sub and asked if she was okay with it. I then put on my hat and backpack. One of the kids said your not leaving. “Yep”, I said… and then I left. It was 3:30 and the kids leave at 3:45.

It was a great week back to school. Things are really clicking.

I had a student that earned a bunch of points in another class. He could buy different items like toys and pencils. Instead he bought lunch with me which was a lot of points. Another kid wants to also. Lunch instead of toys.

I got a 50 dollar gift card from a student and parent. Even more meaningful was me saying it was too much and they needed to take it back. The response was that I’ve chosen to dedicate myself to the kids and be a meaningful part of their lives.

I had to give a choice to a student because there was nothing else I could do about it. The right choice was made. A case of so much living and learning this year. Positive Results of efforts to change a life for the future.

A teacher needing to talk to me. Telling a student to teach the
others the math problem while I went in the hall. The teacher amazed
at how they handled it. Doesn’t magically happen.

It’s doing a good job of juggling the education. Of 29 kids. Trying my best to meet all of their needs. Doing a pretty good job.

It was me looking at the weekly newsletter and realizing that I didn’t have enough for it. Saying “wait” I can have the kids write something for it. Then taking it a step further and telling them they can be reporters for it each week with deadlines and me as their editor. Got the below emailed to me from a student tonight. Voage is a word I made up one day when I messed up on the spelling test. It is an idea taken from a children’s book.

Main Entry: voage
Pronunciation: \ˈvo-aj\
Function: verb
Etymology: Mr. Fischer’s 4th grade class 2009-2010 school year
Date: 2009-2010 school year
1: to try with excitement
Sentence: Mr. Fischer’s class voage for the test.

So yes I did explain to the kids that I was leaving and that the principal knew. That a teacher across the hall was there if they needed help and that she would check on them.

However, I didn’t have to worry about them because it’s our class. I walked out the door.

Clear eyes, Full hearts, Can’t lose.

So that line comes from the tv show “Friday Night Lights”. Off topic but it makes me think of my friend who is from Texas. The original movie was based on a town not far from where she grew up. She has made it her new years resolution to appreciate Idaho and not make fun of it. Probably comes from my great role-modelng. She has a “Native Texan” bumper sticker. I always tell her how lame it is and offer rather “supportive” comments about Texas. Totally being helpful by pointing out the obvious. Probably lead her to the resolution.

Okay so I do know that I’m not being a good role-model above:) Totally aware of that.

Clear eyes… Yes I have them. I clearly see things. I clearly understand things.

Full hearts…. I am the type of person that really feels emotions. Or the feelings are really jumbled and I’m unsure what they are.

Can’t lose… Harder to explain this part. Sometimes in my life my feelings are at odds with the reality of my mind. It wasn’t a win or lose thing. Was there loss? Yes. However, I journeyed until the mind and heart met. Along the journey I did it the right way.

How did it end? My heart filled with love.