The weekend draws to a close and i’m tired, but want to caputre it….

Thursday night the students did the plays for their families. It was the sixth year and there was something like 80 chairs and some people standing. It was fun just stepping back and watching. That morning I told them that something had come up that day and that I couldn’t be there that evening, but it seemed pointless to cancel just because of me. I told them that they had to run the show. Of course I was there. It was not having to be a part of it in the sense that the kids were running everything. It was their show.

I had spent the week excited by Friday night. It didn’t turn out. Yet we did share a moment. That was really nice. A moment where you look at each other and in that exchange you just connect. It was all about the Perrier.

“Women are great. The more the better. Ran the Race for the Cure”. Saturday morning kicked off with a donut and a 3 mile race. Then it was on to the afternoon with my first mountain bike race. I didn’t have the gas for it, but it was fun to have my first competition. Looking forward to others. One of my former students pointing out that I was her third grade teacher to some little kids and seeing a kid at the bike race tell her mom “That’s Mr. Fischer” strike my mind.

Today it was a great breakfast catching up with a friend and writing a blurb about our presentation for a text expo. Throw in a cruiser ride with a friend and then a mountain bike ride in the afternoon with another friend and the fitness continued. Finished off the evening with a bbq for Mother’s Day and now I wrap this up.

That was the script. Not going to edit as I’m too tired.

It’s minutes until my birthday ends. Feel like I should write a post and mark the day. Sounds kind of unenthusiastic when I put it that way. hmmm yeah maybe it is. It doesn’t speak to the day because it was a great day.

I got some really nice cards from the kids today and it was so nice hearing them sing Happy Birthday. It was all the Happy Birthday’s from people on facebook. It was text and calls from family and friends. It was a day ful of well wishes. I have a lot of great people in my life.

One of my cards said “I am sad that the school year is almost over:( I share the same sentiment.

This is a pic of a birthday cake that two of my friends gave me. It was a total suprise. I guess the cakes name is Chloe according to the person that sold it to them. Giving a name to a cake…… sounds like a cool person.

“There is so much I need to say… Take a look at me now”. A little Postal Service pops up on the ipod. As I end the post kind of fitting in a way. Doesn’t make me think of anyone nor do the lyrics speak exactly. It’s the sentiment hidden in there. Little things that flow out of the song.

It’s taking a look at myself.

So sprinkle a tad bit of sadness onto it. I don’t know what “it” is. I guess just the day maybe? I had a little bit of sadness this morning and I don’t even think that is the right word. Actually it isn’t, but it as close as I can get to describing the feeling. It was definitely me feeling emotions really strongly and them wrapping themselves around me. In a way I embrace it and enjoy it because there is something powerful in the feeling. Its where the things you do take on meaning and your really reflective about it. It is a place where I am able to accomplish a lot. Don’t know how to describe it.

My kids took there state reading test today and did phenomenal. It was really nice to see. The results for one of our state math tests from earlier in the year came in and our class average turned out really well. Just a great feeling.

We often have decisions in life. And sometimes I’m very torn with those decisions. Sometimes what is best for me takes second seat to what is best towards someone or something else. Actually that is often the case. Recently, life presented me a question about something and I instantly knew the answer. Then that answer begins to be pulled away by thinking about the opposite answer. In this case I need to resolve to stick with what is best for me. I predict that I will be questioned by my decision and comments will be made.

I need to stay with it for me. It really needs to be for me. No explanation needed…..

At school we kicked off our walk-a-thon during the last hour of school. Minutes before the start the kids started chanting “Alfredo” over and over. It was my alter ego, but it is weird sitting in the middle of 500 kids, parents, and teachers and the kids yelling is directed towards you. Alfredo has taken off this year. It was an evening of high fives, answering how many laps, and 50 laps for a total of 12.5 miles. The best part was walking and jogging with my students….

I’ve received my last lines for Alfredo’s final skit for the year. In the skit there is a touch of sadness as Alfredo and the counselor realize that it is coming to an end. We have done little sketches throughout the year to help teach various character traits such as honesty. Not a stretch to capture that feeling of being sad due to the closing curtain. It has been so much fun. I had a parent come up today and say “So this is Alfredo”. Her son had talked about it at home.

More importantly the school year begins its fade to the end. Tonight I went and worked on our class video. Seeing pictures from the start of the year highlights how much they have grown in rather a short amount of time. I would have to say that I don’t want it to come to an end. It has been such an entertaining and great group of kid. I will miss them. It is amazing the impact their little personalities have on your life. If I was able to travel back to previous years the same sentiments would probably be there.

It wasn’t being at the walk-a-thon. It was being a part of it. Hanging with my students and their parents and being a part of their lives.

You sometimes just want to caputre moments in life and hold onto them.

The kids ran the mile this week and I joined them. In September of 2008 I ran an 8:12 mile. This fall I ran a 7:22. My addiction to mountain biking was the difference. A summer and fall of biking had me in much better shape. I was a bit worried this time because the weather has been crappy and so the biking has been limited after the winter. I managed to pull in to the finish line with a 7:25. The fastest kid in the class was a 7:00 so not bad for an old guy.

I turn 36 at the end of the month and it doesn’t seem real. It felt good the other day when a 23 year old thought I was around 28. Maybe that is due to my maturity:) Me and my friend do come across as young. Maybe it’s the fact that we have young friends. Maybe its the active lifestyle we have and the way we carry ourselves. Whatever it is I like it.

Listening to a Jay-z remake of forever young by Alphaville. It is funny how things manage to make a return. A tinge of sadness hit me today. I could feel a bit of depression creeping in. It’s been a long time since. I think it was probably a lack of sleep and the fact that my money for the month ran out. It’s two weeks until the next paycheck. It just seems like I will never get out of debt. I make headway each month, but when setbacks like this happen it isn’t the best feeling. Looking towards a paycut next year is even more fabulous. The move into my new house caused me to do some organization and I came across my old paychecks. The 1500 a month made me laugh.

I think I came to the conclusion that there shouldn’t be a question mark at the end of never. I say never. It just doesn’t seem like meeting someone for a relationship is in the card. Life is okay with that most of the time. I have the freedom to do things whenever I want. Yet thoughts of how great it would be creep into my brain on a daily basi so it is definitely something I would like…..

Part of me holding off on getting another Golden Retriever was the fact that if I did get into a serious relationship and the girl wanted to have a puppy it would be fun to get get it together and raise it. I’ve now arrived to the point where I want to get a puppy. I want to find one that has a great little personality like Kate. One that just has the understanding of human emotions. One that has a zest for life. And one that really loves to swim.

I have a name picked out for her.

Spring Break is halfway over. Or maybe there is still halfway to go. A more positive look at it. I was out of gas. I started working on my class video and a calm just settled in. Such a nice feeling to catch a breath. A lot to still get in on the learning front. A bit stressful. Yet excited to go back. It is hard to believe that I only have a quarter left with this group. It will be sad to say goodbye. The previous year it wasn’t so hard since it had been a two year journey with them. Yet are they really gone? One of my former students was in and did a presentation. I called her over afterwards and told her it was great to see her doing such great work. Last year it was a transition of getting her to do her work where she had flat out refused to do it for her previous teacher. We had successes and not so great moments. Sonds like she has made the transition. I told her that her hard work was going to pay off. She is going to do something special. And I know that. I just know that.

My spring break kicked off with an open house and it was a lot of fun. About 25 people were able to make it so it was a good turnout. 10 Years ago I would have never done that. I don’t think I would have had much of a turn out as I didn’t know that many people. 10 years later and I’m much more social. And over 10 years I’ve met so many people.

I went through my contacts on my phone a few days ago. Deleted some of those numbers. Numbers of people that were part of a life and are no longer. Sometimes it is just time to say goodbye to it. hmmm. A common theme of late. I guess it’s saying goodbye to things. Enjoying the things that are still here.

The rest has been unremarkable. Debated back and forth about going to the Coast. Whether or not to go. Maybe say goodbye to Kate’s ashes. I’ve gone back and forth, but decided that right now it just wasn’t right. Summer seems more appropriate. Sunshine.

Unremarkable? Maybe not so bad.

There’s some things we don’t talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never
Why we don’t know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before
-The Fray

Never. To put a question mark or not……………………

Tell them I’m through, “for love of the game”.

That line comes from the movie For Love of the Game. The pitcher who is pitching a perfect game is faced with a decision throughout the game; he can either retire after a long career or he will be traded to another team. It’s a team that he has been with forever. And within that he is making a bigger choice in life. To be with someone or not. He eventually writes the above on the ball.

I haven’t seen that movie for a long time, but that line has recently ran through my head. Why?

Tonight five of my current students were in a jump competition along with former students. At the end of the competition a mom took a picture of me with her two daughters holding their ribbons and trophy. They both gave me hugs and were so glad that I was there. And if you have read the last post your probably jumping to the conclusion that they were appreciative of being inspired by my own jump roping expertise. Not so much. The thing is I’m a part of their life. They work after school sometimes on school stuff and they say it’s better when I’m there. You see all your student’s grow up and your a part of that. It is powerful.

So no I’m not done with the teaching. I wrote about that in the past. Somedays I am but we all have days like that. It does take a toll but then you have moments that fill you back up. I diverged from the topic but it does flow back into it eventually. Kind of like that pop flowing across the gym floor (last post).

So what am I done with? Part of the past. I’ve learned a lot of things over time. A new thing that really resonates is that when a person keeps claiming something over and over then you might as well put up the red flag and run it up the pole. I’ve found over and over when people keep saying something repeatedly it’s like putting wrapping around something. You have to say it over and over so that it doesn’t get little tears in it where you can see through it. I’ve done the same thing in my life. It’s just something that really stands out to me.

I haven’t written much lately. Thoughts of just walking away and leaving this as is has crossed my mind. Thoughts of unpublishing have visited. I’ve enjoyed writing tonight. I think it is because this blog became a source of getting through some difficult times. And once those are gone it has been like I don’t need to write to get through something. Yet it started with a whole different intention than that. And I think of my last few posts and it has returned to that.

I feel like a lot of my past problems are gone. The struggles with the depression. It wll always be a part of me, but it’s just not the same anymore. The loneliness used to consume me and cause me to be sad. There was a bit of sadness when I got in the car and started driving home. I had just been surrounded by people that I knew. I would have loved to be driving home with someone or heading home to meet someone. Or just texting with someone. It’s just me.

It’s different though. It’s thinking of students up in the stands waving at you and excited when you wave back. It’s thoughts of upcoming things with friends. It’s seeing family tomorrow. I used to look upon the completion of fun things as sad. Now it’s the thought that there will be more things like that. Instead of focusing on the past I look towards tomorrow..

I’m through with today. And tomorrow is another day. It will be filled with many things….

Tonight I sat on a high school gym floor and was cheered by over 700 people. My game was on. I was en fuego! It was nice of kids from all over our school district to come and jump rope so we could show off our clicker pressing skills. Good thing those kids really jump fast so that my talent could really be put on show. I’m sure words and thoughts such as heroic and breathtaking ran through the crowd. It was a night where I was in the zone. Didn’t even break a sweat and the thumb was on autopilot. I think I was just born with the talent.

Another natural talent I have is being smooth with the ladies. I was smooth like butter……in 1991 for one week of my life. I think the universe did a major shift that week becuase it was the meeting of six girls and hanging out with them. It turned into dating one for all of two days before dumping her. People were teasing me for dating her so I had to let her ago. Later I realized it wasn’t because of dating her, but just the shock that I was dating. Ever since then I think the butter has melted into a gobbly goop. Definitiely not smooth. The Universe that was fabulous forgot to take me along with it.

About 8 schools come to the competition. I don’t know for sure exactly because that requires counting to quite a big number. I do know that each school has 16 competitors. Um, I mean counting material for the clicker atheletes. So a girl that I went out not to long ago was there. She was counting in the group next to me. So about 8 feet away. Once again starting to getting into those big numbers so give or take a few feet. Sure enough the smoothness just flowed. Well the coke of the lady that was sitting next to me flowed once I dumped it over. That just seems to naturally happen around cute girls. I trully am gifted in that area.

So from somewhere in the crowd my friend was texting me. “Hey that girl sitting next to you is cute.” “Find out if she is single.” Yes she was cute. And turns out she remembered me because she told me that we had sat together the year before. It was like the clicking…I was on fire. She would laugh at my little comments. She would do the little hand pats. It was butter. That rich creamy kind that is so smooth. People were probably up in the stands taking notes on the free flowing charm. They probably wished I had one of those in game microphones on me. The words spoken would be repeated for years to come. So the fact that I was so charismatic tells you the answer if she was single or not. You probably already figured that out early on in the paragraph. When she left she told me that she would see me on the same day and same place next year. I make that kind of impression…

I’m like one of those athletes that has the ability, but just doesn’t have it for some reason. The head games are impacting them. I’m not playing head games with myself, but somewhere my talent for blundering comes out in front of cute girls.

When it comes to butter though I am smooth. You should see how I can spread that stuff on toast.

Farewell.

I just watched the series finale of the tv show Nip/Tuck. It causes a touch of sadness and triggers those thoughts that make you ponder. Why? Maybe it’s because it has been something that has been with you for so long. You see how much the characters have changed and not changed. You see the events of their lives. Your witness to it. Should that have an impact on us since it’s fiction and a tv show? Probably not.

Maybe it should. Even though it is something of inconsequence it has been a part of your life. You are saying farewell to something that has been there. Can I connect events in my life to it. Not really with the exception of starting it. My ex-wife had the dvd set for season one and got me hooked. That’s about all I can remember on how it has connected to my life. That seems like a lifetime ago. And it’s not about saying goodbye to that. It’s simply saying goodbye to just a little inconsequential piece of my life.

Just moved me to write. Maybe it stikes a bigger feeling. I think it’s the feeling that all things must come to an end at some point……

That can be good and that can be bad depending on what it is.